Sunday, April 20, 2014

The most frustrating part of my life is not being able to talk to anyone when I NEED to talk to someone. 
I had a panic attack today. 
I don't get them often, but my anxiety was building up.
Something didn't go my way and I started panicking, not like my usual, "I always get my way" type of shit either. It was important to me and I kept on getting disappointed today. And I was tired and I was annoyed.. 
I started panicking while I was driving.
I had to talk myself to a calm, (which is very difficult to do while you're having an attack.) 
It took awhile, the longest time it's ever lasted really. 
In the moment I felt so helpless; I was trying to control my breathing, calm myself down, focus on the road, reassure myself that I would find a solution to this. 
I wanted to talk to someone about it, but I don't have anyone to tell. 
No one to understand and sympathize with me. 
I've learned a lot about the world, humanity and myself over these past few years and about just as much that's changed, just as much has stayed the same...
I've learned the hard way not to put all of my eggs in one basket. 
I still don't trust anyone, and I can't confide in anyone.
But it's times like today where that shit bites me in the ass. 
It's frustrating.... it's always scary when I get panic or anxiety attacks, it always means besides the triggering event, there's something deeper that I'm not expressing or a problem I'm trying to avoid.
.... I've forgotten how much I enjoy blogging.
Goodnight. 

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

i remember the first time i fell in love.

...actually I remember my first heartbreak. 
I didn't even realize I was in love until the heartbreak. lol.
I chuckle about it now but it still hurts sometimes. hahaha.
I was in high school... living my life, being carefree..
somehow we found each other.
he taught me things, about the world, about myself, about guys....
then it all came crashing down.
I'm telling you looking back on it I went through a like mini depression.
I couldn't eat, I was quiet, I slept a lot so I didn't have to think about him, my stomach just turned at the thought of him... its crazy.
I never want to experience heartbreak again.
Its an indescribable pain that affected me emotionally, physically, and spiritually. 
like love at one moment can feel so good, like you're on an everlasting cloud 9 and then the next you just want to bury yourself in a hole because everything about you is hurt, your heart, your pride, your feelings, your ego..... 
I don't know how I got through it cause I was so young. 
Everyday, for weeks, it felt like an emotional roller coaster.
even till this day whenever I see him (which is very rarely), I just don't know what to do with myself!
I usually run in the other direction and hide, but then regret it later and wish I had spoke. lmao. real life.
its crazy cause I still I have love for him and hate him a little at the same time.
he broke my little heart.
whenever I think about it, those feelings resurface like it happened yesterday.
I tell everyone I'm over it but really how can you get over your first love?