I'm sad. 😕

Because I feel empty, and I struggle with this a lot. 
I don't know what it's going to take, but I am never really happy. 
I just feel empty, like there's nothing I can do to make myself happy. 
Ughhhhhh. It's annoying. 
And it's even more annoying because I think it all boils down to the fact that I'm not, and haven't been in a relationship! 
Like what is it about me that people don't love/can't overlook?? 
I don't understand how people who are (in my opinion) more unattractive than me, don't have things going for themselves and don't have a dollar to their name can be in a relationship and not me! 
It makes me feel bad, because I can't pinpoint what it is. If I could I would change it in a heartbeat! 
I'm just always out and looking to be fulfilled by enjoyment with the people I'm with and it doesn't work.

Today I went to taco Tuesday with the VA Wave and there was this guy there, I met him at a kickback on Saturday and thought he was cute but he didn't pay me any mind so I was like "ok, I'm not his type. I'll leave it alone." Then I see him today, I don't try to speak to him cause why?? Lol. He was nice to me on Saturday but I wanted to play distant. So I didn't speak to him until we left and some of us headed over to spider Kelly's. We conversed. And he gave me compliments, I didn't show him any interest because at this point I'm playing the game. Lololololol. He asked for a hug, I denied it. He gave me a compliment "you smell really good",  I gave him a lackluster thanks. It was when he hugged me from behind and laid his face on my hair, I knew I had him exactly where I wanted him. Lolololol. I had to play "hard to get". In reality I just push people away, cause I want to see if they can withstand my wahala. 
I'm funny like that, and then I complain about how no dudes like me. (Like me enough to pursue me for real). 

Day 22 and I already broke one of my resolutions.

I told myself I wasn't gonna drink and drive anymore, but I did last night. 😔😕
I made it home safely thank God, but I know I need to stop. 
After Tiana got her DUI you would think I would've learned but I still do it. 
Ughhhh. 
I'm annoyed with myself. 

I went to Fata's party last night and I was cross faded with some edibles. I felt so sluggish today. 
Didn't even leave the apartment.
I didn't do anything productive today except update my calendar. That was important, but not really super productive. 
I felt kind of sad because I had nothing to do and no one to hang out with today. 
I would've went to church but Maggie, clogged up the toilet and I couldn't get in there to take a bath. Lol 
And Nick wanted to talk to me today. I'm just not in the mood to really entertain him tonight. 
It's weird, I don't want to be left alone, but then again I don't really want to talk to him. 
I think it's cause I'm not really feeling like myself today and I don't want him to see me kind of down.. I'm not sad, just not my jolly self. 
It throws people off and then they'd make it weird, or I'd have to explain... I just want to avoid all of that. 
Or maybe I'm thinking about this too deep.........

first week of school, trying to get back in the swing of things..

I wouldn't say I dropped the ball, its just taking me awhile to get the ball going. lol
Its hard to get back into the swing of things. 
anyway, I'm currently babysitting for Lillia.
Today's inauguration day, a lot of people are very emotional about it. 
Like this have emotion tied to either Obama leaving, or Trump coming in, and its not like I dont care, I'm just not super moved by either event. lol

ughhhhhh, I want to start dating so bad!!!!
its so annoying. like I want to be in a relationship, but I cant find anyone relationship worthy. 
that was off topic, but thats on my mind a lot. 

#23deepinDeepCreek.

I'm on a ski trip with my friend Tray and her friends!
I only came here knowing one person besides Tray but I'm having a blast with all my new friends.
Soooooooooo..... I dropped my phone in the pool today. 
First time I ever messed up a phone. 
I ran it to rice and its been sitting in rice since. I'll check it tomorrow and hopefully it'll turn on. :/
Today's our last day at the cabin. It's been sooooo fun. I didnt get to ski, but the tubing was fun along with the ratchetivities that took place today. 

another topic, I always say you dont really know someone until you travel with them and that is true.
It is difficult for me when I see people who claim to be Christian live and act non Christlike.
Its difficult because I'm trying to be stronger in my faith and when I see people I perceive to be "stronger" basically fake being a true believer, I lose hope. 
My "church friends"/family in Houston are the real deal. 
We can fellowship and have fun, and still hold each other accountable and behave Christlike while doing things that arent related to followshipping. 
I don't have friends from church here in VA, mostly my fault but still..
Anyway, I feel like I shouldn't continue this friendship.
I probably will, but I know I should not and that makes the difference to me. 

Nikki and Josh.

They've been bickering like crazy lately.
Like to a point where they're threatening each other with separation.
both of them.
we all know is not going to happen, but its annoying to me that they throw it around like its an actual possibility. -_-
I know its possible for a lot of people, just dont see it for my parents.
anyway, I had to sit them down today so they can hash out their issues. 
like me, a whole me, had to give my parents marriage counseling, when I havent even been in a relationship myself!
I hope I got through to them. 
Its serious and petty stuff. nothing they can't get over.
communication is whats lacking. 
they dont communicate and just keep everything bottled up inside and then explode or let it fizzle at the wrong times. 
anyway, I gave them some good advice, they seemed receptive, hopefully they'll put it into action. lol
I'll be praying for them. 

side note.

I used to talk in "code" on my blog, and I legit have no idea who I was talking about. lololololol
Basically most of them guys I was talking to or crushing on, and I referred to them by something else and now I'm like "who was this?!"
yeaaaaa, I'm not gonna do that anymore. 
I already have a bad memory, and then numerous years pass, yea I would never remember anyone. lol
So from now on, since I'm not dropping the link, I can be 100% honest. 
Alright, this is gonna get good. 

my day today.

Spent the day with Chioma fixing the condo for the airbnb!
It's so exciting, my daddy gave me his credit card and a budget of $600, definitely went over the budget but it'll be worth it when the Superbowl comes around.
Its so tiring try to design and stuff. 
I'm not creative at all, and Chioma is kind of indecisive as well so it took us forever, but we got it done. lol.